Amethyst and Emerald
by Neru
Summary: All Shinigami’s feelings and thoughts about Tsuzuki and Hisoka’s relationship. Are they happy with it, why do they worry and what about? Is the past really that important? Can love destroy us as well as hatred?


Disclaimer: I don't own Yami no Matsuei but I love those lovely bishies and angst flying just everywhere.  
  
AMETHYST AND EMERALD  
  
Stage1: Tatsumi  
  
Now they are coming together. Arguing, whining, making sparkling or cold eyes, it depends. It's always the same, but at the same time, day by day it's something new. They are getting closer, it is perceptible. Soon they will become more than good friends. This relationship is developing and gathering intimacy. Giving warmth, acceptance and support, it may heal them. Or at least learn how to begin once again.  
  
Should I be happy? My friends are fulfilling their second chance and doing it well. I suppose I'm jealous, though. Sometimes I wonder how it would like to be now, if I were still Tsuzuki's partner. He wouldn't gather up pieces of his torn soul and perish. Not literally but at heart.  
  
Maybe that's what bothers me. That I wasn't able to help him whereas Kurosaki-kun did so. I cared so much so why I couldn't as well?  
  
Keeping asking what gone wrong is useless. I can only pray to whoever I believe in, for them not to lose their happiness.  
  
And to avoid Muraki. I don't hate many people but in his matter, I definitely do. No matter how hard I try I can't understand feeling amused over somebody's harm. Suffering and tears are his treasures, things he adores and worships the most. It's sick, totally unhealthy. But this man is somewhat charming. We didn't get many chances to talk, but I fell under this charm. In the one moment, crazy little while I wanted him to captivate me, have me all and to do it with that cruel cold smile of his.  
  
This is what makes me hate him in the first place.  
  
For Tsuzuki, I love him as a friend and I deny the fact that it grew to something more. It would only complicate things and crush the present we had worked hard on.  
  
For Hisoka, I love him too. I have no clue why but It's true and I can't fool myself I don't. He is interesting, far more interesting person he probably thinks he is. That aura of mystery surrounding him, cool and sweet moments of weakness, completely giving up to the ones he trust. He barely speaks leaving the case of understanding to one's mind. The other thing, he is beautiful. Heartbreaking, true beauty, natural grace and temperance in showing affection.  
  
Now I come to think that I' jealous of them both. Pretty twisted, the way it is. But I can't help it.  
  
I can only look away when they're together and make my own scenario, that is shown to my mind alone. Because I don't plan to hurt them by not considered confessions. Or play one-sided, quiet love which only dramatizes everything.  
  
Because, what's the funniest, they love me too. It can't be one-sided affection when someone loves you in return, can it?  
  
It's just not the form of love I long for.  
  
Stage 2: Watari  
  
Its beginning was not the good one. I foreboded it would turn out worse. But at last, it couldn't get any better.  
  
My first impression of Bon was rather awful. I thought he's kind of arrogant, too self-confident teenage boy with harsh, repulsive attitude who pretends to know more than he actually does. Pairing him up with openhearted Tsuzuki seemed to be a fatal joke to me.  
  
But in the end I was the one who was mistaken. It got on my nerves, seeing how Bon separates and rejects Tsuzuki who cared that much and tried to do his best to gain boy's trust, make him relay on somebody.  
  
Although when I found out about whole Muraki business my established image of Bon turned upside down. I saw that he tries, really tries to trust us but he can't do it freely. Feeling liked and cared for wasn't any familiar to him. And I admitted he was brave. I think that in his place I would act worse, believing that hard experiences are justifying my unfairness.  
  
I would be hysterical seeing Muraki and run away from him with super- acceleration in my ass. I can't stop wondering how he can bear interaction with his murderer. It must be terrible, I believe. Muraki's double meaning relation to Tsuzuki has to be painful, too. The one who violated him, now is harming the one he liked the most. That psycho disgusts me entirely. View of his insolent smirk in enough to mess up my good mood for a long time.  
  
So, like I said, I suppose Bon's going well with Tsuzuki by his side. I hope they will stay other possible disasters.  
  
There were accidents in their lives that they'd cover, preferably forget and attempt to go out of it unhurt. Just wipe it away, and pretend it's still ok. Nightmares sometimes chasing after them in dark rainy evenings. They could probably soothe each other's pain but never wholly uncover. Shadows of the past, may forever stay in the darkness.  
  
Because when they reveal everything, it will can be too much even for the greatest sympathy. Of course if they won't end falling in love, which I guess they will. Good for them and I'm glad about it.  
  
If I only could get rid of that pesky bad presentiment...  
  
Stage 3: Konoe  
  
He was never like a son for me, neither very close friend. Our relations stayed formal in some ways, but they also deepened with passage of time. I cared for him, in secret, not showing my interest or concern.  
  
Maybe I was scared of dealing with his scares and I haven't got strength to ease this pain, therefore he became alone with it.  
  
By blurry impulse I paired him up with Kurosaki. I wondered what would make painpain, griefgrief. I just resumed that it would give healing .  
  
I knew Kurosaki would not be another partner in the long line of them. He wasn't the kind of person you could ignore, whether you like it or not.  
  
Maybe it's pathetic when an old man tells you that he's sure of something because of his age. But it's true, years give you experiences, wisdom and you're able to judge something just by looking for a while, like that. I could already say that Kurosaki's the right person for Tsuzuki.  
  
For many my choice was nonsense, comparing and forcing two extremely different personalities to interact strongly. From what I recall, they I actually very alike. Tsuzuki heart is half-broken, and even if his body remains untouched by time his soul can't do it. Her felt old and tired until he met Hisoka. If the boy wouldn't have come, he might not last any longer.  
  
On the other hand, Kurosaki is far too experienced by the fate. I believe he knows a lot of things many old men have no idea of. I mean, they are as old as young at the same time and it both is good. Except the stuff that boy at his age, and no one should be aware of on his own example.  
  
It may sound odd in my mouth but I'm sure love can refresh the most stone- like heart. Oh, it's as plain as a pikestaff, they're going to love each other madly.  
  
Like hell they're not close. Who said that? Certainly I didn't, I'm not blind yet.  
  
Stage4: Yuma  
  
I can't recall where and when I'd feel more relieved than now.  
  
Maybe I have simple life's philosophy but I just want happiness and for my friends to gain it, too. I couldn't stand Tsuzuki's fake optimism and carelessness. I prefer when someone's crying at his low, not pretend to be stronger than he really is. But he's that sort of person, he doesn't want others to see his grief in order to not make them sad.  
  
Friends' business stands before his own and he would make everything to cheer them up. For someone who doesn't know him well it seems to be hopelessly naïve and childish. Or it's assumed as pretending, showing how compassionate he is. They don't recognize simple kindness. Maybe because they only experienced the lack of it.  
  
I think that gentleness is somewhat destructive. Just how long does one bear being only good? Maybe he sometimes struggles between what he should do in his opinion, and what he wants to do. He believes he's an evil monster and fears rejection. So the impulse it's acting like a good boy.  
  
If I'm good no one will push me away.  
  
And now he is hanging up with that cute angsty kid. His past wasn't the happiest of all, I could even say that no one with this childhood would be psychically unharmed. Parents torturing his own child. There can be nothing worse, even orphans are in better situation.  
  
I'm not fully informed about Muraki, from all I know it's bounded to Hisoka's death. Obviously that guy hurt him deeply. He shivers at the sound of the man's name and he's restraining from complete break down.  
  
From my point of view, their partnership isn't a good idea. Two shady pasts, two broken and lost hearts can make things only worse.  
  
They'll keep hurting each other, misunderstanding, until they will part, totally wrecked.  
  
Stage5: Saya Then at Hokkaido was a really nice time. We had fun together, arguing, teasing, and laughing all the time. It were only few days but it was also when I felt complete, filled with warmth and reassuring consciousness that I'm right at my place with my friends.  
  
They were happy too. Almost too real to be real but anyway it happened. I'm anxious when everything is going too well, I mistrust my good luck. I only try to be optimistic.  
  
Like then, I almost jumped gleefully when I saw Hisoka-chan and Tsuzuki- chan so close. They probably weren't aware that while sleeping they were embracing. It was utterly cute and I was ready to faint at that very moment.  
  
But also I was scared. I distrusted. Why their long line of disaster should disappear? Who could guarantee it to me that they're going to be fine from now on?  
  
I hoped they wouldn't let go of this chance and try to accept themselves. I worried seeing how carefree and indelicate they were but then I realized that were just hardships of understanding. That was ready to crack at moments, from what I've heard, but its way to happy finally took steps forward.  
  
Probably I'm over worried. I just hope they would not hurt each other even deeper. Sometimes love can destroy us more badly than great hatred.  
  
Stage6: Terazuma  
  
Oh, that's ironic. Someone who brought that idea had to have specific sense of humor. That naïve, obsessed over sweets idiot coupled with cold, secluding and aloof beautiful kid. Including his dangerous weakness and fondness for the boy we have some almost abnormal stuff added.  
  
Come on, if we get rid of how old his body is, which already makes him about nine years older than Kurosaki, and count the years he had lived , we come to an outcome telling that he's tens of years older than boy. He has got young body and acts like five-year-old or dumb but literally he could be his grandpa! Now, I definitely don't like that.  
  
Not to mention that they're both male which may seem a little... strange for some. For me, for example. I just can't get out of my head impression of how unhealthy in some ways their relationship is.  
  
Even the greatest love passes, especially if you are bound to your beloved for the quite long period, like eternity. But they wouldn't break up. It's almost impossible- they need freedom, but at the same time they long for total attachment. Maybe that's my logical mind which can't comprehend it but I know what I say, too many differences won't make any good.  
  
I don't feel great sympathy towards Kurosaki nor even the hint of it for that nasty idiot but I find it sad when you hurt someone by loving him.  
  
Soon this statement won't be enough for Tsuzuki who will desire more development, possibly related with bed. Oh my, did I say something about sickness?  
  
Let's resume, we have one young pretty boy who hardly speaks and is kinda rude, paired up with irresponsible adult of young man appearance but who had actually lived for over ninety years, and they are both murderers, demons, call it whatever you want, it will still make a Shinigami. They have also not so innocent partnership going on.  
  
But first of all, they will be never, never able to destroy personal demons of the past. It will destruct them over and over until the complete break. Witnessing each other's depression it will hurt even more.  
  
That's unhealthy and they're not aware where this path leads.  
  
Stage7: Kannuki  
  
Sweet! When I saw Hisoka-chan I already knew that he reminds me of one possibility. Of getting Tsuzuki-chan together with someone cute. But I could only dream about that. Until I learned that he's Tsuzuki-chan's partner!  
  
Now, this wasn't a hint, it was clear, black on white! They are meant for each other, no matter how hard one is making me believe about Hisoka-chan being stubborn or Tsuzuki-chan treating him like a child.  
  
Nah, that's good, child, you say? Sure I believe.  
  
To me Tsuzuki-chan could as well wear a banner saying "Watch me. I love HIM." It's not only women's intuition, it's so obvious. Hajime-chan was snickering when I sighed over how cute they looked together but that's the way he is. Although, he's cute too (heart).  
  
And quitting these hearts, flowers and sugar I can say that I thank Gods they met.  
  
Everyone is just foreboding, distressing and hesitating about bad results of that feeling. "They will hurt each other, scratch old scars." Very possible, I don't deny.  
  
But where have they heard that life or love are easy?  
  
They should already know that by themselves. Coexisting means pain to some and loving is even harder. I didn't discover it just yesterday and they didn't too, so why worry? Tsuzuki-chan and Hisoka-chan will take care of themselves and other's fears will not stop them.  
  
What does it all matter?  
  
For love there is nothing impossible. And I'm not being optimistic. That's the way it is.  
  
OWARI  
  
Yatta na! My 8th YnM fanfic is done! I love them all, coz I'm obsessed over almost every fic from that anime. Hisoka and Tsu-chan's relationship is the thing I can think about for months and I'm not bored at all. They are so damn interesting and good in every point. And you can ponder it all over and over. Now, I'm trying to write something about Muraki but it doesn't go fine. I'm too busy with school, tests, Spanish lessons and Maria-sama ga miteru (my new interest) or watching Evangelion again. 


End file.
